My Discovery of Medicine 2: That coldness called failure
Hey there! How are you? So happy to have you here with me in this part of my train of thought. Had a sudden reminder of how important this is. Of how different people cope differently with the stress of failures. And this is just one of mine and since I had quite a portion of that in my studies in Medicine, thought I would share my experience during that time. It is quite a long read, but I hope you like it. Take care!
I failed an examination. I was physically tired from the daily activities, mentally pressured from my own anxiety, and haunted by mistakes that led to such a disappointing performance in an examination. I went to my room, turned off all the lights and played some music. I think it was one of those really dance-genre ones that is probably reserved to happier times. I needed the beat to help me think from more than one perspective. The various lines of instruments in dance music always help me realize that there is often more than 1 layer of reality in any perceived moment and thus another perspective to explore.
I remembered the times that I tried to study and actually managed to study. The small moments in traffic jams or waiting between learning sessions, stealing glances to absorb snippets of information. This complain leads to this disease, because of that pathological process. That sign suggests to this abnormality because of some unknown mechanism. This set of medication was often given to that illness when it is in such phase but changes when it enters another phase. But there is always that combination of stuff that led to a mistaken conclusion or forgotten possibility.
Did I blame the physically challenging schedule? Kind of. Did I blame the impossible standards? not really, I can understand that. Human lives deserve impossible standards. Did I blame the unnecessary scathing words from the examiners? Just a bit. Did I blame the slight possibility of subjectivity in grading my performance? More often than I feel I should. Did I blame myself? most definitely. I did not read everything, could not join all the study sessions with my friends, and had not ask enough questions during rounds. I got too easily discouraged by friends that chant all those facts and data like a practiced monk. So many times I failed to remember the threshold numbers that I need to know to figure out the problem and the solution.
I remembered some people said not to think about it too much. So, I lowered down the music volume and turned on the lamp. I turned on a movie and watched it. Could not focus after the first 10 minutes and totally lost what the film was about. Felt bad that I was doing something entertaining during this time of failure. So I went to work a bit on the next assignment of a case presentation. We had a lot of that. I understand the method, giving us a case to study from so that we can think of how to apply it in real-life situations. I was tempted to just copy a large chunk of information from a trusted site to the assignment. That's the thing you see, sometimes failures do not push you to become a better person. Sometimes failures just show you that there are much easier ways to do something. But in the end, my anxiousness of getting caught prevailed and I lazily speed read the chunk, decided of the most important information and paraphrased it. I tried to move on to the next segment, but it was getting more difficult to understand and I gave up immediately.
The stress was creeping up again that I felt like something is just right. It was difficult to pinpoint an emotion when you are down, but then I remembered some people said not to think about it too much. So I went to have a meal of some kind. I scoured the refrigerator for some sweets. While chewing on that, I opened the storage canisters filled with home cooked foodstuffs and got some rice mixed with some soup. I ate until I felt fed and stopped immediately. I thought to myself, now what? Nothing I did made the problem disappear, nothing I tried made me feel better. But I am so sure that people tell me not to think about it too much.
However, if that did not work, I thought, might as well try a different approach. What if I have not think about it enough. What if I just think about it even more.
So I went back to my room, turned off the lights again, and up the volume on that music I told you about before. I lay some mat on the floor and lay down on it. I relaxed my self as much as I can, and I began thinking about things. You know those times that you think to yourself, and somehow you rapidly reply to yourself about what you just think about? Yeah, that was how it went.
Me: So I failed that exam. That sucks.
Me-2: But why exactly did that suck?
Me-3: It sucks because, well, if you fail, you got to do a remedial. and that sucks. Because who knows when that's going to be. And that means you suck. You did fail.
Me: yea but people do fail right? like, I most probably was not the only one?
Me-2: no, probably you are the only one this time. Goodness we are LOUSY!
Me-3: that is beside the point! just because of the possibility that somebody else is as bad as you or worse, doesn't change the fact that we will fail this exam!
Me-4: what kind of loser compare oneself to another loser. You compare yourself to a better version of a human!
Me: I am not trying to compare myself to another loser!
Me-2: not that there is such thing as a loser
Me: do not cut! I mean, I am not trying to compare, I am just trying to be thankful
Me-3: what is the point of thankfulness when you still fail anyway!
Me-4: what an interesting proposition. To be thankful in the face of misery.
Me: goodness, this is not helping at all. maybe people are right that I should not think too much.
Me-2: but that did not help
Me-3: and you call this helpful?
Me-4: at least we are trying to figure it out ourselves
Me-5: you know I heard that when you failed, you get to like, repeat the whole freakin' year. And that if you fail this one, It's really hard to catch up on the next one.
Me: yea but, there is a next one right? I mean... in both cases of fail or did not fail, there is that chance that I can make it right?
Me-2: you will probably screw that chance too
Me-3: yea since this time you did not make it anyway
Me-4: does not mean it is not a chance!
Me: okay, FINE. goodness...what's the worst that can happen?
Me-5: you fail. You repeat a year. You become depressed, unable to cope, be ashamed for all your life and become a person of no significance to the world
Me-2: what makes you think we will be significant to the world if we did not fail this one?
Me-3: goodness 5, you are BLEAK.
Me: yea, that is...definitely the worst that can happen
Me-5: oh, there are worst things actually, I was just listing u...
Me-4: shhhhh.....shhhhh
Me: okay, but DID I DIE?
Me-5: well, that depe..
Me-4: Shhhhhh... no no. we did not die.
Me-2: yet... at least.
Me-3: not dying because of a failed exam is cool.
Me: what's the best thing that can happen?
Me-2: you fail this one, but you pass the remedials.
Me-3: ...that is...well... not bad
Me-4: indeed.....! nooot bad at all.
Me-5: and why do you think we will pa...
Me-4: SHHHHHHHHHH...SHHHHHHHHHH
Me: goshdarnit! why does this happen to me! I mean, I STUDIED! I attended ALL the class! I did not SKIP anything! I am not even remotely rebellious about my attire.
Me-2: it's that cursed secretary, I bet he did not like you and gave you that freaky examiner
Me-5: or we are just cursed in general
Me-4: what is the point in comparing our believed good qualities to others that pass even when they are what we arrogantly define as "rebellious"
Me-3: yeah.. who we are to judge. judging is such a tiresome ordeal anyway.
Me: so what do I do now. Goodness.. I failed that...
Me-2: well.. we can't lie here forever.
Me-5: technically, we can.....!
Me-4: no, we are too proud to pee on our pants, we know that. We will, at one point, move.
Me-3: lying down is sooo relaxing though.
Me: it is relaxing..
Me-3: we could... you know... play a game? watch a film that is actually good. That one we tried to watch was...too slow.
Me-2: HOW DARE YOU! we just failed!
Me-4: well, we can't study now, it will just make us feel worse. And...
Me-3: there's just that assignment tomorrow! the exam is still couple of days away
Me-5: or we could just lay down here. what use is it to try anyway
Me: AGH, let's just do both.
Me-3: INGENIOUS. start a film, and when things get boring do work
Me-4: are you sure that's a good idea.......
Me-5: it's not a good idea
Me-2: sounds like a good idea because 4 and 5 finally agrees on something!
Me: fine.
So I got up, turned on the lights, played a film, and got bored in the introduction, so I opened the assignment file and read up on a paragraph of information. When the intro finished and there was some action, I moved my eyes to the film and watched. When they began talking about stuff that are generic in a film, I paraphrased the paragraph into the assignment. And THAT ladies and gentlemen was how I come up with my compensation mechanism whenever I am faced with that cold called failure.
In the studies of medicine, I faced a lot of that. Failure, I mean. And I am so sure that this barrage of failures is not exclusive to Medical studies. I am thankful that my first experience of crushing failure was so early in my studies that I came up with one mechanism that fits best for me... I did realize that, for me at least, thinking more about it really helps. When people tell me "you think too much, don't think about it", that is when I tell myself that I have not think about it enough. That for a person like me, it is more difficult to not think about it than to think about it even more. But perhaps therein lies the problem... we are so often afraid of thinking about things for fear of wasting time. For fear of that crushing stress that borders on or even across to depression. We (and in my opinion also added the fact that I am a male human, but more on that on another post) somehow got it into our mind that distracting our mind is an easier course of action and a faster way to move on to better times. And hey! for some that could work indeed!
But for those that feel like that speed lane could not work, perhaps we can try to do what works only for us. I kind of understand where that preset of moving on as fast as possible comes from. Fear of pain. Fear of sadness. Fear of being morose and thus further isolated from the world. Fear of the fall into the depth of our most negative thoughts (thanks Me-5...). And to some, it is a very daunting challenge. Indeed, when it reaches pathological levels, professional help is definitely required to help us think about it more. I, for one, fully appreciate and supports those who realize that they need others to help them think about their problems more. Some problems do not disappear from "just be more positive!".
For those who have not faced their crushing failure, those who are currently facing one, or those who have made it through, I sincerely say good luck. Because in the end, time will move on. More problems will arrive. Failures will come. Stress will envelop us all at one point. But, what's the worst that can happen?
Me-5: we could be so depp....
Me-4: SHHHHHHHH!!
Exactly.
I failed an examination. I was physically tired from the daily activities, mentally pressured from my own anxiety, and haunted by mistakes that led to such a disappointing performance in an examination. I went to my room, turned off all the lights and played some music. I think it was one of those really dance-genre ones that is probably reserved to happier times. I needed the beat to help me think from more than one perspective. The various lines of instruments in dance music always help me realize that there is often more than 1 layer of reality in any perceived moment and thus another perspective to explore.
I remembered the times that I tried to study and actually managed to study. The small moments in traffic jams or waiting between learning sessions, stealing glances to absorb snippets of information. This complain leads to this disease, because of that pathological process. That sign suggests to this abnormality because of some unknown mechanism. This set of medication was often given to that illness when it is in such phase but changes when it enters another phase. But there is always that combination of stuff that led to a mistaken conclusion or forgotten possibility.
Did I blame the physically challenging schedule? Kind of. Did I blame the impossible standards? not really, I can understand that. Human lives deserve impossible standards. Did I blame the unnecessary scathing words from the examiners? Just a bit. Did I blame the slight possibility of subjectivity in grading my performance? More often than I feel I should. Did I blame myself? most definitely. I did not read everything, could not join all the study sessions with my friends, and had not ask enough questions during rounds. I got too easily discouraged by friends that chant all those facts and data like a practiced monk. So many times I failed to remember the threshold numbers that I need to know to figure out the problem and the solution.
I remembered some people said not to think about it too much. So, I lowered down the music volume and turned on the lamp. I turned on a movie and watched it. Could not focus after the first 10 minutes and totally lost what the film was about. Felt bad that I was doing something entertaining during this time of failure. So I went to work a bit on the next assignment of a case presentation. We had a lot of that. I understand the method, giving us a case to study from so that we can think of how to apply it in real-life situations. I was tempted to just copy a large chunk of information from a trusted site to the assignment. That's the thing you see, sometimes failures do not push you to become a better person. Sometimes failures just show you that there are much easier ways to do something. But in the end, my anxiousness of getting caught prevailed and I lazily speed read the chunk, decided of the most important information and paraphrased it. I tried to move on to the next segment, but it was getting more difficult to understand and I gave up immediately.
The stress was creeping up again that I felt like something is just right. It was difficult to pinpoint an emotion when you are down, but then I remembered some people said not to think about it too much. So I went to have a meal of some kind. I scoured the refrigerator for some sweets. While chewing on that, I opened the storage canisters filled with home cooked foodstuffs and got some rice mixed with some soup. I ate until I felt fed and stopped immediately. I thought to myself, now what? Nothing I did made the problem disappear, nothing I tried made me feel better. But I am so sure that people tell me not to think about it too much.
However, if that did not work, I thought, might as well try a different approach. What if I have not think about it enough. What if I just think about it even more.
So I went back to my room, turned off the lights again, and up the volume on that music I told you about before. I lay some mat on the floor and lay down on it. I relaxed my self as much as I can, and I began thinking about things. You know those times that you think to yourself, and somehow you rapidly reply to yourself about what you just think about? Yeah, that was how it went.
Me: So I failed that exam. That sucks.
Me-2: But why exactly did that suck?
Me-3: It sucks because, well, if you fail, you got to do a remedial. and that sucks. Because who knows when that's going to be. And that means you suck. You did fail.
Me: yea but people do fail right? like, I most probably was not the only one?
Me-2: no, probably you are the only one this time. Goodness we are LOUSY!
Me-3: that is beside the point! just because of the possibility that somebody else is as bad as you or worse, doesn't change the fact that we will fail this exam!
Me-4: what kind of loser compare oneself to another loser. You compare yourself to a better version of a human!
Me: I am not trying to compare myself to another loser!
Me-2: not that there is such thing as a loser
Me: do not cut! I mean, I am not trying to compare, I am just trying to be thankful
Me-3: what is the point of thankfulness when you still fail anyway!
Me-4: what an interesting proposition. To be thankful in the face of misery.
Me: goodness, this is not helping at all. maybe people are right that I should not think too much.
Me-2: but that did not help
Me-3: and you call this helpful?
Me-4: at least we are trying to figure it out ourselves
Me-5: you know I heard that when you failed, you get to like, repeat the whole freakin' year. And that if you fail this one, It's really hard to catch up on the next one.
Me: yea but, there is a next one right? I mean... in both cases of fail or did not fail, there is that chance that I can make it right?
Me-2: you will probably screw that chance too
Me-3: yea since this time you did not make it anyway
Me-4: does not mean it is not a chance!
Me: okay, FINE. goodness...what's the worst that can happen?
Me-5: you fail. You repeat a year. You become depressed, unable to cope, be ashamed for all your life and become a person of no significance to the world
Me-2: what makes you think we will be significant to the world if we did not fail this one?
Me-3: goodness 5, you are BLEAK.
Me: yea, that is...definitely the worst that can happen
Me-5: oh, there are worst things actually, I was just listing u...
Me-4: shhhhh.....shhhhh
Me: okay, but DID I DIE?
Me-5: well, that depe..
Me-4: Shhhhhh... no no. we did not die.
Me-2: yet... at least.
Me-3: not dying because of a failed exam is cool.
Me: what's the best thing that can happen?
Me-2: you fail this one, but you pass the remedials.
Me-3: ...that is...well... not bad
Me-4: indeed.....! nooot bad at all.
Me-5: and why do you think we will pa...
Me-4: SHHHHHHHHHH...SHHHHHHHHHH
Me: goshdarnit! why does this happen to me! I mean, I STUDIED! I attended ALL the class! I did not SKIP anything! I am not even remotely rebellious about my attire.
Me-2: it's that cursed secretary, I bet he did not like you and gave you that freaky examiner
Me-5: or we are just cursed in general
Me-4: what is the point in comparing our believed good qualities to others that pass even when they are what we arrogantly define as "rebellious"
Me-3: yeah.. who we are to judge. judging is such a tiresome ordeal anyway.
Me: so what do I do now. Goodness.. I failed that...
Me-2: well.. we can't lie here forever.
Me-5: technically, we can.....!
Me-4: no, we are too proud to pee on our pants, we know that. We will, at one point, move.
Me-3: lying down is sooo relaxing though.
Me: it is relaxing..
Me-3: we could... you know... play a game? watch a film that is actually good. That one we tried to watch was...too slow.
Me-2: HOW DARE YOU! we just failed!
Me-4: well, we can't study now, it will just make us feel worse. And...
Me-3: there's just that assignment tomorrow! the exam is still couple of days away
Me-5: or we could just lay down here. what use is it to try anyway
Me: AGH, let's just do both.
Me-3: INGENIOUS. start a film, and when things get boring do work
Me-4: are you sure that's a good idea.......
Me-5: it's not a good idea
Me-2: sounds like a good idea because 4 and 5 finally agrees on something!
Me: fine.
So I got up, turned on the lights, played a film, and got bored in the introduction, so I opened the assignment file and read up on a paragraph of information. When the intro finished and there was some action, I moved my eyes to the film and watched. When they began talking about stuff that are generic in a film, I paraphrased the paragraph into the assignment. And THAT ladies and gentlemen was how I come up with my compensation mechanism whenever I am faced with that cold called failure.
In the studies of medicine, I faced a lot of that. Failure, I mean. And I am so sure that this barrage of failures is not exclusive to Medical studies. I am thankful that my first experience of crushing failure was so early in my studies that I came up with one mechanism that fits best for me... I did realize that, for me at least, thinking more about it really helps. When people tell me "you think too much, don't think about it", that is when I tell myself that I have not think about it enough. That for a person like me, it is more difficult to not think about it than to think about it even more. But perhaps therein lies the problem... we are so often afraid of thinking about things for fear of wasting time. For fear of that crushing stress that borders on or even across to depression. We (and in my opinion also added the fact that I am a male human, but more on that on another post) somehow got it into our mind that distracting our mind is an easier course of action and a faster way to move on to better times. And hey! for some that could work indeed!
But for those that feel like that speed lane could not work, perhaps we can try to do what works only for us. I kind of understand where that preset of moving on as fast as possible comes from. Fear of pain. Fear of sadness. Fear of being morose and thus further isolated from the world. Fear of the fall into the depth of our most negative thoughts (thanks Me-5...). And to some, it is a very daunting challenge. Indeed, when it reaches pathological levels, professional help is definitely required to help us think about it more. I, for one, fully appreciate and supports those who realize that they need others to help them think about their problems more. Some problems do not disappear from "just be more positive!".
For those who have not faced their crushing failure, those who are currently facing one, or those who have made it through, I sincerely say good luck. Because in the end, time will move on. More problems will arrive. Failures will come. Stress will envelop us all at one point. But, what's the worst that can happen?
Me-5: we could be so depp....
Me-4: SHHHHHHHH!!
Exactly.
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